Friday, February 25, 2005

what i learned on vacation

it's my last night of vacation - and what have i learned this spring break - more than midway through my first year of vet school?

first - that i need my family more than anything. in 2 days here with my grandparents, i have recuperated more mentally than in 4 days with my friends, on a beautiful beach, in a fun, frisky, florida town. i can actually begin to tolerate the thought of going back to school and making that final push for the end of the semester. for once, it seems possible that i will get through this year. despite the fact that my family is much like me - loud, critical, bossy, and enjoys taunting the younger generation - they are also generous, kind, giving, and ever present.

secondly - from now on - i have to make a concerted effort to protect my own mental and physical stability. if this means appearing to "back out" of things that i plan - that's ok.

thirdly - i have to think before i speak and learn to say no - both. if i can't say no - then i can never make myself stable. if i take on duty after duty, friend after friend, and activity after activity - i will lose sight of what i want to do and NEED to for myself. i also have to stop jumping at every exciting or enticing opportunity that rears its head. i need to think through before i commit to activities with friends, family, and otherwise.

fourth - i have to stop thinking about my own flaws and myself all the time. when my grandfather said i was self-centered, i thought about this (naturally) for a while - and i came to this conclusion. if self-centered means constant consideration of my own flaws and shortcomings - as well as constant wondering and worrying about how others are affected by my actions and words - and how they perceive me as a result - then yes - i am self-centered. if - however - self-centered means thinking only of myself and no one else -then my grandfather is wrong. i am constantly - at home, at school and in other areas of my life - trying to do things for others. and all of my self reflection and consideration is leading (hopefully) to one ultimate goal - to be a better person who is more considerate of my family and friends - as well as those who don't know me. i would also like to be a truly charitable person who strives to put others before herself. i work very hard in my marriage to think of what is good for my husband, to put his desires and needs above my own - especially when i know my desires are selfishly motivated. so - in some respects, i am self-centered - but in many, i am not.

vacation is so close to being over. i am eager - SO EAGER - to go home and see my husband. i also miss my kitties and birdies terribly. it is odd to be in houses like my grandparents - where there are no household deities running around and making messes. it's also odd not to have to clean. there is no cleaning to do here because of the plumbers making such a mess (replumbing the ENTIRE house)...i want to hug my husband desperately and to see him. i hate being away. i also miss my parroquettes - i miss having a little green deity on my shoulder to ride around and be my buddy. i'll be tired of it - i'm sure - the hassle and responsibility - within a month - but now i'm looking forward to returning to my happily chaotic and loving household. 7 animals and 2 people is a lot for one place...

i think i have summed up my vacation in as many words as possible. i wish i had something un-self centered to add. i could talk about terry schiavo - but i'm always at a loss for words when trying to discuss it. i start to stutter and get infuriated and teary at the same time. it's a travesty in our country - AMERICA - that this should be happening. if we're going to starve her - why not just starve retarded people too? what kind of quality of life can they possibly have? okay - i shouldn't talk about this...i get livid. someday, i'll start reading the news again - and reading more books - and i'll have something to talk about besides myself - art, politics, religion - etc. but you - faithful readers - will have to wait until summer for that stuff.

conclusion of the day: i have a good family - and i'm very very lucky in that.

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