Friday, February 4, 2005

something amazing!

today was a reminder anew why i chose vet school. a very powerful reminder. we took our parasitology midterm, which only seemed to go mediocre, and finished around 9:30. after all of our exams, we have a free hour before our next lecture. jess and i decided to wander down into the clinic. we went into the large animal and stumbled upon a cow in the aisle (in a cow stock). next to it, a surgeon was gloving up. so jess and i hung around to watch.

to our delight and utter amazement, we were about to witness a cow c-section. the surgeon made an incision (tiny - for the fact that a 150 pound calf was coming out of it!) and explained the layers of muscle he was cutting through. the whole incision was bright red, blood dripping - it sounds gory, but it was really beautiful. and then - the doctor sticks his arm into the incision, up to the shoulder, and starts fishing around. and what does he pull out but 2 baby cow knees, wrapped in amnion. then, with the assistance of a 4th year student, they wrested a 150 pound bull calf out of that cow (who was awake and standing the whole time). they held him upside down and shook him to clear the nostrils, then put him on a stretcher. they told me and jess to grab towels and help rub him down and clean him off. he was alert and slimy and oh so cute! it was the most exciting thing that's happened to me in vet school so far. i was thrilled to be there. i felt this surge of excitement and -- i can't explain it - exhiliration maybe? - when i got to rub down the calf and feel the warmth of an animal that - 5 secs ago - wasn't technically "in" the world. i felt mental clarity and foresight for the first time since i've started school. i saw where i was going and why. it was completely mind blowing. i feel so much better since this morning.

so i got to 'assist' with a c-section today. i even got bright red blood on my jeans. i can't decide if i should wash them or leave the stains in. they kind of serve to remind me what it's all about.

anyway, other than that - some more happy news. i found ME again. you're probably wondering what that means. i'll enlighten you.

i started keeping this blog at the beginning of this semester. this semester, thus far, has been scary and stressful. i didn't feel like this in the fall. i was happy, content, and fairly stress free. i was enjoying vet school - heck, i was just enjoying being in real school again - and everything was great. when i started this time around, i was just scared. that's the only way i can think to describe it. freaking scared. i don't know why. and it just went downhill from there. i lost all perspective, lost everything sane about myself. i felt like i was perched on the edge of some great steep slope - and that one slip would send me tumbling to the bottom, amid a pile of Fs and Ds. i now realize that is not going to happen. i'm smart, i'm dedicated, and i'm a good student. i'm not going to flunk out of vet school. i have calmed down, regained my perspective - regrouped you might say. and happy, sane (debatable?) me is back. hopefully for good.

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