Thursday, February 24, 2005

update on my life

i was told, by my loving grandfather (and i mean that loving sincerely, not sarcastically) - that i'm too personal on my blog. also - that i'm self-centered. so i asked him if he ever felt uncomfortable when reading my blog - that he was learning too much - or that i was embarrassing him. he said no. so, i don't know how he measures that i am saying too much. but as much as i love him - i can't agree. with the self-centered part, yes. i probably am. i maintain that i am no more self-centered than anyone else - that i say things that other people think but would never voice. but perhaps i'm wrong about that. who knows? i do know that i put myself out there - i consider myself an open book. i don't hide my life in hopes that other people won't hide from me. what's scary about honesty and openness?

at any rate, this has been a bad spring break. the point was to relax, recuperate, and regain spirit for the final push through this semester. i was remiss in deciding to go to ft lauderdale with my 2 good friends. while both are fun and GOOD friends, i don't share a lot of their natural go go go-ness. they wanted to do multiple things every day - shop, go to clubs, go places all the time. and i wanted to lie by a pool or sea and read, soak up healing sunshine, sleep, eat, and recuperate. and i really wanted to do it with jim. these desires were not to be realized. and i know it's my own fault. i - AGAIN - knew what i needed, and i didn't pursue it - but lulled myself into thinking that another activity could suffice. call me selfish, self-centered, whatever -- i needed to recuperate, especially given how much i truly loathe school right now. so, today - i left ft lauderdale (and left sharon there) and drove to my grandparents. and now, i feel relaxed finally. i went to dinner with my grandparents, saw my family some, and now i'm blogging, and i'm going to read some more. i'm reading three books - the gormenghast trilogy - which i probably won't finish before spring break ends - being 2000 pages, anywhere but here, and the divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood. i will finish one, hopefully. sharon is taking the amtrak, courtesy of $47 of my money, to lakeland on saturday afternoon, and we will leave to go home from here then. late - won't get home till about 4 in the morning.

i have learned little on this trip - other than that i am a judgmental, critical, hard to please person who has very set ideas about what makes her happy and what she wants to do with herself. i have also learned that truly - other than your family - the rest of the world can go to hell. i hate to say that - but it's true. without a family, i would be lost. but then, i also wouldn't be who i am today. it is partly because of my family that i am who i am. i guess it's a great deal due to them.

i have also decided that the great writers and philosophers - artistole, sophocles, kant, tolstoy, neitzche - while being incredibly intelligent and eloquent - were not different people in any true sense. smart or dumb, rich or poor - the human experience is the same. what makes the philosophers and writers great is that they could (and still can) verbalize the internal human experience - those things that people less intellectually minded feel but can never explain. that is what separates them from us...

at least, i think.

i'll be home again on sunday morning, very early. then to easter dinner with my family in greeneville on sunday. my now married brother, andrew, leaves for kuwait on tuesday morning - so we're going out with a host of friends and family for dinner on monday night. the wedding went beautifully - with the help of sharon and alison, we did the reception up brilliantly. lavender and lace tableclothes, beautiful floral centerpieces, candles, lavender and pearl balloons, wisteria and hurricane glasses with candles on the mantlepiece -- and all the food. 2 veggies trays, a fruit tray, a cheese tray, 5 sandwich trays (roast beef, turkey, and chicken salad), chips, dip, 2 pasta salads (one creamy, one italian), lil smokeys bbqed in my special sauce for 2 days, punch, and wine. i think it was a smashing success. i also put together a wedding cake - and with alison's expert help - made an impromptu flower topper (since the one they bought kept falling over). when i get home, there are many pictures to post.

i guess that's all to report. i'm sure i have more self-centered stuff to talk about - like my complete and utter mental wipeout last wednesday night - panic attack, the works, and the fact that i missed a test (in physiology) as a result. and let me finish that off by saying i have NEVER - in undergrad or grad school - missed a test for any reason. ANY reason. but that's another story. and it might even be too personal for me to talk about. shocking, i know.

kisses to all that read my blog. raspberries to you that dont!

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