Sunday, February 13, 2005

1:30am, french toast, and me time

i spend a great deal of time beating myself up for my flaws (that is, i spend the time i'm not studying/in class/stressing about school/cleaning up after the birds). i very rarely admit to myself or to others that i have good qualities. so i am going to talk about one good quality i have right now - and the consequences of it.

i do a lot of good things for people. i'm there for my friends at school when they need me. i try to help them with the emotional burden of school. i listen when people want to talk. i buy my friends lunch when i have money. i volunteer for different opportunities at school because i'm excited and want to help out. i'm class president and sincerely care about whether or not i'm doing a good job - and whether people like me and think i'm doing a good job for them. and i just realized the effect this has on my life. this week, we had 3 important exams. each was hard. it was a very strenuous week mentally. on top of that, everyone was feeling the pressure, even people that normally don't seem to stress much about school. many of my classmates (including myself) cried or manifested stress in some other way - many of them, my friends. by the time friday rolled around, i had spent a total of probably 40 hours studying in the library and about 20 listening to friends stress (and stressing a great deal myself). i was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. i looked forward - intensely - to my couch, the TV, and some junk food. but alas, it was not to be. a close friend's birthday was that night (friday). so, after getting home from anatomy lab at around 4pm, i laid down in a stupor on the couch for about an hour. then i dragged myself - by some unknowable, unfathomable amount of will - off the couch and into the shower. and i went to my friend's party. i bowed out gracefully at 10:30ish, when everyone was just hammered enough to think it wasn't odd that i left early. i went home, wanting to lie on the couch - watch some tv and be mindless. but i was so fatigued that i barely made it through half an hour of sex and the city before dragging into bed. saturday, i got up at 11a, allowing myself to sleep in a bit. i then cleaned for the next 4 hours. after that, i had told dee and alison that jim and i would come over, watch band of brothers, and eat dinner. i wanted to stay home. i went so far as to ask alison if she would be disappointed. she said she would. and i hate disappointing people. so we went and had dinner.

and then, midway through, i realized something. i do a damned lot for others - my friends, my birds, my husband, my family. i am constantly afraid of being selfish, of hurting someone's feelings. so, instead of doing what i knew i needed to do, which was lying on the couch with junk food and sex and the city, i went and did the things i felt like i was responsible for doing. i wanted to see dee and alie very much, but i wanted to be alone with myself - to mentally recuperate -more. so i told them i needed me time and left after dinner. i felt bad. i still do, to some extent - but i came home, curled up on the couch with sjp (for the uninitiated that's sarah jessica parker, of sex and the city - in the future SatC) and sat mindlessly enjoying entertainment for 2 hours. i made myself my fantastic french toast and just sat. with myself. and it felt good.

i have to do that more often.

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