Friday, January 5, 2007

a day sans depression

i haven't talked much about it on here, but i've been in a pretty deep depression for about the last month. staying on the couch many days (except for class), doing the minimum to get by at school (which means a great deal of procrastination), sleeping whenever the option arose, and avoiding any kind of real activity. i don't like talking about it for several reasons. one is that i get accused of being self-centered, which i am - but i maintain that my self-centeredness is no more than anyone else's. secondly, it's intensely personal and finally, i'm sure people are sick of hearing about it. i seriously considered antidepressants at one point - but my feelings on antidepressants (for myself) is that they mask the problems rather than help solve them. unlike a chemical imbalance, i feel that my depression stems from a source that will resolve itself with time. true, i might be in a cycle of depression that's hard to break -- but --i think that antidepressants are like steroids, they often resolve the "inflammation" but the primary problem lingers on, untreated. so i've been muddling through, waiting for the day when i saw a little sunshine again.

now i hope the sun is here, if even for just a little while. i've been to the gym two days in a row, worked out, and i feel good. running in particular. i'm so glad to be back to it. i ran a 5k this summer and was really psyched about running (although it was always a love/hate thing). after the big explosion of chaos in my life that constituted july through eh -- 4 days ago -- i haven't been able to right myself. i was like a kayak; i filled up with icy water and sank. then someone or something had to drag me to shore and dump me out so i could float again. turns out the someone that had to drag me to shore was myself. i felt good today. i ran at the gym - stayed on the treadmill for 30 mins (no, i wasn't running the whole time) - and loved every second. didn't want to get off actually. but it was packed and there are all these rules, yada yada yada.

now i'm home, and i'm content. i feel good. i have that post-exercise high. there's something about running - the feeling of making your body bend to your will, just doing something that utilizes muscles and heart and vessels. i feel powerful and huge and strong when i run - even though i'm not that great of a runner.

at any rate, this morning was advanced soft tissue surgery again. ear and neck/head surgeries (emergency tracheostomy, esophagostomy tube placement, lateral and vertical ear canal resections, and mandibular sialoadenectomy). i have discovered that i DO NOT have a natural talent for surgery. sharon does, as does jess. they are both decisive and meticulous - but fast. i'm jealous. i always feel slow and stupid when doing surgery with them. they both are just good. i'm not. i always screw up my sutures and then have to go back and redo them. and i get really frustrated with myself, especially when working with them. i got to do the esophagostomy tube and a vertical ear canal resection. both were neat surgeries, neither went particularly great. but oh well. i learned what my mistakes were, and i'll know what not to do next time. it was a cadaver lab, our next terminal surgery is 2 weeks from today.

i have a small animal ortho test on thursday for which i haven't prepared, but i'm not too concerned. i'm not sure why...since i care virtually nothing for dermatology, i wonder how to express my absolute apathy about orthopedics. if i could care a negative amount, i would. i probably do...

No comments: