Wednesday, February 8, 2006


two roads diverged in a yellow wood (i think i diverge onto the mortal path)

i've been very negligent lately in posting. it's not become i'm swamped either. i just don't find myself wanting to write too much - at least here. school is fine. i took my endocrine exam monday, it went well. friday is GI - which is a HUGE test - and is going to be very difficult. but ...whatever.

mostly i've been thinking about myself lately. as if that's any different from normal. actually, that's not entirely true. i've thought about my family a lot - and my friends - which is part of all this.

i've come to a kind of mental divergence. one path is the path i want to follow - that of changing my bad character traits, fixing my attitude, and becoming a better, stronger, more level-headed, less emotional, and less mouthy person. the other path is the path that i know i will end up following. down that path lie all my shortcomings, character flaws, past mistakes, mistakes yet to be made, etc. every day, i ram my head against the wall of my character shortcomings. every single freaking day. every day i'm reminded anew of how the things i say and do truly affect other people. part of me wants to continue my quest for true character/self-improvement. but a vast part of me lately wants to give up, accept my flaws, and move the $%&@ on with my life. i'm so tired of banging my head against the wall. of looking back with regret and looking forward with trepidation.

i'm not saying this how i want to. i was reading farenheit 451 the other day (for the first time, believe it or not - phenomenal book) - and i came across this line: "why waste your final hours racing about your cage denying you're a squirrel?" as lines go, it isn't the greatest - but it drove the point home head-on. why waste my life trying to deny how and in what environment i was raised? why waste my time trying to change things that are apparently - every day it becomes evident again - impossible to change? i try - i swear to god that i do - to be a better person - to be a person worthy of my life. and yet, every day - i look back over the past - recent and distant - and reflect on how little progress i've made. i see why people need a personal relationship with a savior. i really do. because - in accepting jesus and his sacrifice - you can unburden yourself of the innumerable flaws inherent in our nature. you can dump those off, be forgiven, and just get through the day - doing the best you can. i have no one to blame for my flaws. sure, i can say that my family is the cause of my EXTREMELY loud mouth, my extreme opinionated-ness (is that a word?) and the belief that i am ALWAYS right and all those more colorful aspects of my personality. but -- i am also an individual, a rational person with the ability to change those things about myself that i don't like. at least, that's the theory. but each day that passes, i realize that i am static - never changing. only feeling like i'm changing, while life progresses in exactly the same manner as always. it's comforting to see myself reflected in my family - because then some of the blame for my 'bad' side can be placed elsewhere. and when i say bad side, i mean the less good qualities about myself - always believing i'm right, never being able to keep my opinion to myself, my distrust and dislike for authority. i don't want this to sound like i got nothing good from my family. i'm only talking about the bad things here. not the myriad good things.

and on top of that, it gets worse. i almost feel some sort of ... rationalization of my bad traits. i can look at myself and say, "i am trying, trying to be a better person" - and then i can almost excuse my mistakes - because -after all - i am striving toward something better. but now - i can't even tell if i really am trying to change. i can't tell if i'm truly trying or convincing myself that i'm working on the flaws - and that makes it all okay.

it's so hard to get out of my own head and see things objectively. i guess it's technically impossible. i don't forgive myself the mistakes i make. i keep them and cling to them. because by knowing what mistakes i've made - i feel that i can be reasonably assured of knowing how people feel about me. i never see myself clearly in the context of myself or of anyone else. and that's frustrating. this is why i don't post anymore. i can't articulate what's been floating around in my head.

i'm so in my own head, all the time. some would call it self-centered. but my ruminations are always about how i can make myself a better person - and someone that's better to interact with. i don't want to say and do some of the things i do. a lot of the things i do. and so i analyze, and i think about them - and i try to find the root of those things. and then i try to uproot those things. this is all very abstract. so i'll use a solid example - tattoos. i was raised to think they were trashy, an indication of poor judgement and even worse behavior. and i still think that - to a large extent. but i have relatives that have tattoos - and i don't need to say those things in front of those people. because it's not changeable. and what's the point in hurting someone else's feelings? and yet, sometimes i get pleasure out of it. and i don't even understand why. it's some sort of self-righteous condemnation/superiority thing. sure, i admit that i'm probably not the first person in the world to feel that way - but that doesn't mean that i shouldn't rise above those feelings and doing/saying those things. and yet, i never seem to overcome it.

sometimes i just want to give up and be a social outcast and never leave the house and the confines of my family. it would make things so much easier.

this has been one long stupid ramble. i knew this would happen if i tried to post all that's been in my head lately. so - forgive it. and i didn't even really get started on my recent minor epiphanies about religion. but whatever. sorry if it was nonsensical.

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