Monday, January 31, 2005

my catharsis

i find writing such a nice way to unwind after the day. today has been a bad day. i had a sort of "episode" - you might call it - earlier. it wasn't pretty. it started when i got up (at 1p) and settled everything down to study. the birdies have been fairly neglected, as far as personal attention goes, since school started - so, on the weekends they are needy and clingy and loud. epi and carnegie were fine, but titus wouldn't stay off my desk. that started out the studying poorly. on top of that, i have a quiz today (as it is 1:30 now) in the same class in which i had a test on friday (and over entirely different material - endocrinology)'s very stressful. i was trying to study, and i couldn't get my mind to settle down and focus. i felt really bad mentally. it just kept getting worse and worse. the more i tried to focus and study, the more i couldn't. finally, i started to cry. at that point, i realized it was time to leave the house. leaving the birdies in jim's ward, i packed it up and headed to the ag library. once there, the soothing presence of books, a classmate, and beck on the CD player brought me back around to a fair amount of equilibrium. so, i accomplished some studying. not as much as i would have liked, but enough, i suppose. it will have to be enough.

i'm finished now, and contemplating bed - but things are interfering. days like today make me lose all self-esteem and sense of self-worth. i don't know why, exactly. i just felt BAD. that's the only way i can describe it. i spent a great deal of time ruminating on my flaws and shortcomings and how impossible they are to change. then i chastised myself harshly for being so self-centered...and the cycle continued. i think sleep is the only remedy for moods like this.

i've decided to read some light books during school, at night, before bed, to unwind. jim and i found a very very neat bookstore called book eddy. it's old and dark, with very tall bookshelves and ceilings. they mostly only carry non-fiction and first editions and classic literature. it's a huge, fascinating, drafty place that smells like books and faintly like mold and cats. 2 cats run around the place, one black and one white - so literature-ish. naturally, i loved it. i found several books in nice condition with good prices - emma and sense&sensibility (both austen), the turn of the screw (james), and we have always lived in the castle (jackson). i've never read any henry james, but ever since i heard a quote on television from the turn of the screw, i've been interested. so, i'm going to lie in bed and relax a bit. in preparation for my test.
love to all that love me - and to those who don't as well.

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