Sunday, January 23, 2005

further meditations on the meaning of my life

i am seriously considering commission by the army. i'm sure most of you think that's insane. or maybe not, considering that i come from a somewhat military family. it's a complex decision - and one that i can't make lightly. if i commit, then i give at least 3 years of my life - post-grad - to the military. having just watched the manchurian candidate - i am seriously doubting the intelligence of this. no, in all seriousness...i do feel a need/responsibility to serve my country. i live in a land of incomparable freedoms and luxury, but i have never had to earn any of it. the treasures of the world have been placed lightly in my lap. those who came before me and died before me earned all these gifts.

there is also the allure of college being paid full, as well as books - and the stipend - which jim and i could desperately use. but those things are secondary. on top of those reasons, there is also the considerable relief of having the decision of what to do post-grad taken off my shoulders. if i sign myself over to the US army, then i don't decide - they do. at least for 3 years. and it can't be a bad thing to have on your resume "worked for the department of defense" or "army research institute of pathology" - right? plus, maybe i'd get top level clearance and get to play with smallpox and ebola. or maybe i'd be like dean blackwell and assist the surgeon general of the us - and then get to teach or be a dean myself...i'm only 25 of course. but i'm getting ahead of myself. maybe i should focus on my anatomy quiz on monday, eh?

i really need to just decide. i guess there's no hurry, this semester is already bought and paid for (courtesy of the US gov't and edfinancial - which exist due to my forefathers who died in get the picture, right?)

so, there's that - as zach braff would say. and for some reason, it all takes me back to my meditations on god and the nature of the universe and christianity vs all the other religions - and the root of everything - where we all come from and why we exist and do we exist and if so how? and are we all another being's science project, kept in a jar in a dark room somewhere? despite vet school appearing to take up every spare neuron - these are truly the questions that plague me when i try to sleep at night. no wonder i'm an insomniac.

and, as long as i'm ruminating, i've discovered a dirth of people like me in vet school. all of my friends and acquaintances and study buddies are pragmatists - focused on school, achieving good grades, being vets, and drinking on the weekends. oh - and watching tv when they have spare time. it's very depressing. i haven't found anyone that i really really click with yet. no one that reads book that i read - no one that really cares about or discusses politics or other issues. no one that prefers small, intimate gatherings of friends to drunken nights in crowded, noisy bars like barleys and downtown grill and brewery. it's kind of depressing. i've met plenty of good, fun people - but none of "the race of joseph" as anne shirley would say. i keep hoping. but sometimes i feel utterly alone and alienated. especially last night. everyone went out to a big drunk fest - and got very drunk and didn't get in till 3:30. and i was glad not to be there. other than that i felt left out. instead, jim and i ate at harbys (our favorite greasy diner that's not really greasy) and watched a movie.

i think i've bored enough.

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