Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Let the complaining continue

My husband left town this morning to meet with his thesis advisor. I had to corral all 20 pounds of Chicken Biscuit into the cat carrier. He is so traumatized from his recent hospital stay that he won't let me touch him. I cornered him on the front porch, thinking that I had him. Until he turned and threw himself THROUGH the screen. He burst through it like the Hulk and disappeared in the direction of the busy road near our house. I spent 1+ hours on my hands and knees, trying to retrieve him from under the bushes/trees. It was to no avail. He wouldn't let me near him. Finally, in tears, I gave up. I herded the other cats into the bedroom and locked them up, then propped open the patio door in the hopes that he would let himself in. He finally did after an hour or so. We were able to get his ultrasound done thankfully - showing disease in both kidneys (as suspected). The ureteral stone is lodged in the bad kidney's ureter, so that's good news. The bad news is, he's going to have kidney disease for the rest of his life. It will eventually probably kill him unfortunately. As to when...?

With the husband gone, I'm fending for myself food-wise. Knowing what to eat is difficult. I had whole wheat bread with peanut butter and a handful of baked Cheetos for lunch. My blood glucose shot up to 180! I broke down and cried at that point. No more chips of any sort for me - baked or otherwise. Lacking anything diabetic friendly in the house, I knew I had to go to the store and buy some appropriate foods. My energy has been very low today, likely due to my low mental state and the fact that I am in my 8th month of pregnancy. It took all of my willpower to get off the couch and go to Target. I cried twice while there.

For anyone who hasn't been through this, I feel on some level that the diabetes is my fault. Despite knowing that people in excellent health develop gestational diabetes, and it was nothign I did, I still blame myself. Did I eat wrong? Should I have exercised more? I let myself gain weight too fast. And on and on. It may be irrational but the guilt that I may have somehow hurt my daughter makes me ill.

I bought myself a new notebook to keep track of my blood glucose. It has a Rainer Maria Rilke quote on the cover - "Think of the world you carry within you." I thought it was a good reminder of why I am going through all of this, so I bought it.

For dinner, I prepared chicken and white bean stuffed green peppers (peppers from my garden!) and a baked potato with sugar free popsicles for dessert. My post-dinner reading was 107. I felt a great measure of triumph, did a little Rocky dance. Maybe I can get the hang of this diabetes BS.

Also, one of my 2 friends in the area came and hung out with me for a couple of hours. We ate dinner and planned to watch a movie, but we wound up just hanging out and talking. It helped a lot.

I think I'm actually looking forward to going back to work...I can focus on something besides my stress! I can focus on job stress!


Mary said...

Just got caught up and I wanted to let you know I was sending good vibes your way -- whatever that's worth :)

I wish you a lower stress last few weeks of pregnancy. Did the doctor agree to retest?

blep said...

I know that you go back to work tomorrow, but reading this and your previous entries, I really think you should consider going on an infrequent part time schedule. I know there are many reasons why that is not appealing to you, but your stress level and health will suffer otherwise. Eating diabetic-friendly usually takes more preparation (as you found out) and your energy levels will go through a roller coaster. Please focus on your health.

Mary said...

Ugh, I'm sorry you were diagnosed with the dreaded GD. I had my test on Friday and let's just say I consumed an insane amount of sugar this weekend. Just in case they call with bad news this week. I have read forums where people talk about what to eat and it sounds like it sucks. Since I don't eat meat, it would be even more challenging, I think, to avoid even healthy carbs like beans and whole grains.

Please don't beat yourself up about having GD. Like you said, healthy people get it. It's just the way your pregnant body copes or doesn't cope with glucose. I'm not sure if you go on The Bump, but there is a high risk board and a lot of the topics there relate to GD. You can always lurk if you don't want to post. Hang in there.