weirdness, loneliness, and allergies

i don't do well away from home. i tend towards melancholy too much. as my grandmother likes to point out, this might be due to my propensity toward sad movies, books, and music. she might have a point. i've gotten to be rather proficient at traveling alone. last month, i went to orlando for NAVC by myself. granted, i stayed with family - but a great deal of my time was spent at NAVC, alone. prior to that, i traveled to san antonio and to baton rouge and to other places alone. when i say alone - i mean that i was not in the company of anyone with whom i was especially close. in some cases, i was actually alone.

i was once prone to panic attacks when far away from home. i learned to control those (free of pharmaceutical intervention) long ago, and it's been years (first year of vet school, actually) since i had one. once upon a time, i thought it impossible for me to ever travel alone. and yet, i've been able to do it - albeit not well. i'm always melancholy. part of it is my fault - i'm a homebody by nature. i'm also trying NOT to spend money on things i can't afford - frequent movie goings (although i love movies), frequent dinners out, etc. so that necessitates a rather home-oriented lifestyle.

since i've been here, i've only been without jim for 3 days really. he came up on friday (i arrived on tuesday). so i wasn't alone for the weekend. i took yesterday off from my rotation. i wanted to spend the day with him and given that i'm here on a strictly spectator, personal edification trip, i figured it would be okay. then i started to feel like a slacker. then i started to feel like a REAL slacker. after all, i'm here to learn, right?

no matter - back to the vet school today. only it didn't work out that way. literally halfway to the vet school, my eyes began to burn a little. no matter, i've always had overly sensitive eyes. in fact -for the past few months, i have stopped wearing contacts because they've begun to consistently bother my eyes. at any rate, they started to burn. i ignored it initially, reluctant to rub my eyes because of my makeup. within about 2 minutes, the burning escalated until tears were pouring down my face. i could feel my eyes swelling shut. i wasn't having any trouble breathing, i didn't see or feel any hives on my face or elsewhere. i didn't smell anything odd, nothing bit me, i hadn't eaten breakfast that morning, or used any new cosmetics. i was driving my car, as usual. as my eyes began to swell, i realized i was having difficulty keeping my eyes open to see and drive. i was on the beltline - which is an internal interstate of sorts with heavy traffic. slightly panicked, i looked for an exit. there was nowhere safe to pull off on the beltline itself, but i found an exit. i intended to pull off the side of the exit, but a 4 inch curb prevented this. at this point, i could barely see between the slits that had become my eyelids. i finally made it to a somewhat safe place, pulled over, threw the car into park, and sat with my eyes closed, as the tears poured down my face.

it was a good 20 minutes before i could open my eyes. i considered calling my husband's cousin to pick me up, but i hated to be an inconvenience. i was only 6 minutes or so from the house. i waited a bit longer, then i turned around and headed back. i took a benadryl (which promptly knocked me out for 6 hours) and then slept. when i woke up, the swelling had receded and my eyes felt almost normal. they feel almost normal now, except for a "phantom" burning that occurs every time i think about the incident.

i've no explanation but seeing the doctor seems pointless. the problem has resolved itself and i can see how the doctor will approach this...as i've approached many similar WTF incidents before - a thorough work-up that will - in all likelihood - not reveal a cause. i'll be sent out the door with an anti-histamine, an allergy medication, and an epi pen. knowing how medicine works can be a detriment, i must say.

so i missed work today. and now i feel like a total flake. i shouldn't have taken the day off yesterday. i should have gone and observed (for that's all i'm doing), despite my husband's presence - because today, i actually couldn't go and thus missed 2 days instead of 1. added to that the fact that my work schedule at home was messed up, so instead of arriving for the start of the rotation on monday, i had to delay until wednesday - and what does that spell: FLAKE.

i blame this all on my being away from home. i hate being away. i hate being separated from my husband (does this border on pathologic? or is it only due to the marital problems we've suffered over the last 2.5 years? i think the latter, mostly). i've worked far too much back home lately, my schedule was never-ending, my shifts often in excess of 15 hours, then i had to drive here... i realize that i need a break...and that i'm being too hard on myself. and it's not like i'm in a terrible, lonely situation. my hosts here have been gracious, welcoming, and accommodating in every way - but after a while, it's hard not to feel like an imposition. my cousin has invited me out numerous times to do things, and we actually are going out tomorrow night to do something...not sure what yet.

i'm lonely. and i want to go home. i miss my animals and my house and my "normal" job and my life.

boohoo. woe is me. i know. i must suck it up and get over it. i get to go home on saturday.