on compassion and fatigue

at the risk of my readers thinking i am terrible person and veterinarian, i am going to post the following anyway. this is the very definition of compassion fatigue. a caveat: i am not a horrible person, and i would never deliberately hurt an animal. the day i do is the day i quit being a vet.

last night, i felt like there was a hole in my soul. all week, there have been 2 themes: no money and euthanasia. granted, i work in emergency medicine. some weeks aren't like that, though. some weeks - in a whole 7 day span, i'll do 5 euthanasias or so. on thursday night, i did 4 in a row. i examined and sent home animals with major medical problems because the owners had no financial resources and didn't qualify for care credit.

last night, i was angry and my temper was short. i felt terrible. i actually felt angry toward animals - which has never happened to me before. normally, i just feel bad for them - even the biters, scratchers, growlers, and thrashers. after all, they're animals - it's not their fault. i don't tolerate rough handling or saying bad things about patients. it's not acceptable - ever. last night, i almost lost my temper with a terrified patient. i made myself stop handling the dog, take deep breaths, and had a technician take over, while i stepped outside to compose my shaking, barely holding it together self.

i also had a couple who brought in a cat that was mauled by a dog. there were 2 crush wounds on either side of the body - one penetrating the abdomen, one penetrating the thorax. a hernia or massive hematoma was visible on the side with the abdominal hernia. the cat needed shock stabilization and emergency exploratory surgery. the owners didn't really have the funds of $1500 to spend on this cat, although they wanted to and could have done it, had i pushed them. but they really wanted to take the cat home and at least "give it a chance." i explained to them that the cat would likely suffer a slow, horrible death if they opted to do that. i dealt with them as compassionately as i could, but i'll be honest - in my head, all i could think was "hurry up and make the damned decision to put this cat down!"

that's a terrible feeling to have. as i euthanized the cat, i didn't feel a drop of sadness. i just felt empty. even when the owner gathered the cat in his arms and sobbed. normally that - at the very least - prompts a few tears.

i asked my boss/senior clinician (after the evening rush was over around 1am) if i could go home and recuperate before the weekend. on saturdays and sundays, i don't have to be in for the night shift until 8pm. so i came home and attempted to relax.

this morning, i woke up at 8:15am after dreaming all night of dying animals and sobbing owners.

all i can say at this point is THANK GOD that i'm going to NAVC (north atlantic veterinary conference) in orlando in 1 week and will have a whole 7 days away from my job.

now if only i could afford a shrink!