ambivalence?

i could say i'm ambivalent (emotionally speaking) right now - but that would be a lie. i bombed an anatomy lab practical today. it was 100 point test. i made a 69. i would be upset, but the rest of the class didn't do so hot either - considering the average was around a 74. it was a terribly prepared and extremely difficult test. the only reason i care that i didn't do well is because i now have a C in that class. i went from an A to a C in a week and a half. that's the nature of vet school. there's no use banking on grades, they fluctuate too much. i'm bummed about it. but what can you do? i studied pretty hard for it - but in the end - it wasn't enough. i seem to have a problem with anatomy - which surprises me, considering i made an easy A in undergrad. course - it was undergrad. so whatever. folks, i think i'm destined to get a C in anatomy again. so much for all As and Bs this semester. so much for being in phi zeta. oh well.

there was an awards convocation at school tonight. i went for the fantastic food catered by a very elite, expensive group called the entertainers. the food was amazing - they offered around 10 different kinds of desserts - from plain cheesecake up to triple chocolate snickers cheesecake to key lime to strawberry shortcake. the dinner was roast beef with about 6 different sides (i sampled ALL) with salad and croissants. it was incredible food. i put away 2 plates, 3 croissants, and dessert. hey! it's the last time i'm going to get food like that for a while. i'm accustomed to living on food that comes from a grease stained bag. sad but true. anyway, the school awarded (based on professor nominations) 4 students from our class a leadership award. guess who didn't get one? yes me. class president - organizer of all fundraising events, flamingo flocking, the halloween party, all our teeshirts...organizer of study sessions and information swapping. it stung a little (ok a lot) - i admit. then i realized it was based on teacher nomination - not student. the professors don't like me and never will. probably something to do with my problem with authority and my propensity for blurting out whatever i want to say whenever (i'm working on that tic btw). i'm over the insult now.

jim is really depressed. i wish i could help him, but i can't. he was turned down for an assistanceship/fee waiver for going back to get his phd next fall. he was sooooo looking forward to being finished with the menial work at pellissippi and being back at school. and now, barring some unforeseen circumstance (windfall from a very rich relative?) - he can't go back. he'll have to wait a whole year - and then there is no guarantee that he'll get an assistanceship the year after next. he's devastated. i wish i could do something to cheer him up - but nothing i offered - milkshakes, back rubs, sex - has seemed to make a dint in his gloom. any suggestions? it was a sad day all around here. i got a D on my anatomy test and was snubbed by my professors, jim can't go back to school (which is obviously infinitely worse than my petty worries)...money is tight. argh. i had just gotten back to feeling moderately okay.

at any rate, i had best git on to bed. i have my virology final exam on thursday, and i'm not even moderately prepared for it....that's one A i would love to keep.

good night.