it's 11:30pm

do you know where your significant other is?

i'm here - at school. where i've been since 9am this morning. i have now passed the 14 hour mark for today. and i won't be going home for AT LEAST 2 more hours. i wasn't kidding when i said my days are loooooong. we have a micro anatomy test tomorrow that myself and my classmates are desperately cramming for. it's going to be difficult, i'm sure. i'm so tired, i can't see straight. i can barely read my own handwriting sometimes. i have 2 more sections to get through - one being renal anatomy - which is very very very very long. and then male reproductive. and then...maybe i can go to bed. the next 19 days of my life are going to be pure hell. though - when i say 19 days - i can barely believe that's all that's left of my first year of vet school. where does the time ago?

i bombed my first test or quiz this semester. it was in gross anatomy. i made a whopping 20 points out of 50 possible. that's a 40% for those less-math inclined than my cell phone calculator. i wasn't devastated, because when i left the quiz, i knew it was baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. i can only blame myself. i didn't do squat all of spring break or ables week. and now, i'm way behind and have to do things like this to myself to catch up. but - it makes me feel better that at least 20 of my classmates are within a 100 yard radius of myself at this very time. i'm not alone. and that's sometimes nice to know.

well, that was my break. time to start urinary anatomy.

allo

not much to post, i suppose. i feel totally relaxed. i don't know why. i have 5 finals literally on my doorstep, and i couldn't care less. i feel almost carefree. i haven't thought about finals all day. i've kinda given myself (most) the day off. a friend is coming over to get some free tutoring from me tonight in micro anatomy -but that's probably all the studying i will do. i feel totally guiltless. it's a nice feeling. i did some light shopping today, put together a present for my friend (jessica) whose birthday is today, and cleaned up my house. i feel so light and airy. it's odd. all my other friends and acquaintances are running at max throttle stress level. i just go shopping...

it's so rainy here. it's supposed to rain alllllll week. i guess that's a good thing, i won't be tempted to play (and procrastinate) when it's nasty outside. although, hasn't stopped me today. i'll be buckling down and getting serious tomorrow, i suppose. one more week - 5 tests - and i'm officially a 2nd year vet student. still amazes me. i guess i'll be more amazed when i actually pass everything... i've done a lot of the best case/worst case scenario figuring for my grades. i need a 90 on the final in anatomy to get a B. i don't see that happening. i think the highest i've ever made on an actual anatomy exam is 88. to keep my B in phys, i need a 55 on the final. not too hard to achieve, i hope. to keep my A in parasit, i have to do moderately well (high B, low A range), micro - don't know, don't care, shouldn't be hard, and epidemiology - need an A or very high B to keep an A. but really, at this point, i don't care about my grades. i just want to be finished.

i'm really excited about a movie coming out in july called 'night watch' - it's russian and will be subtitled, the title is actually 'nochnoi dozor' -- and the preview is just mind blowing. i get so excited everytime i see it. i hope so much that it's a good movie. it's a horror/fantasy thing about the balance between good and evil. it will probably be terrible - given my propensity for loving previews of bad movies, but i can hope, right? the trailer has a song by m83 in it - a band i have just started listening to recently - so that seemed like a cosmic sign...

i guess that's all here. i haven't much to report. i'm kind of hanging in limbo right now, waiting for finals to officially begin...keep me in your thoughts:)

5 more tests to go

i made an A in virology. surprisingly, i made an A on the final. i'm pretty happy with that. i'm going to make a C in gross anatomy though. a C+ in all likelihood, but a C nonetheless. oh well. i shouldn't make any Cs in anything else, barring any unforeseen moments of stupidity or not enough studying. back to gross anatomy.

as predicted

i received a hefty response to my insomniac post. i'm still chewing on what to post in response to all of the replies. i can't think of much right now. i'm fried mentally. i've been attempting to study my incoherent notes on neurophysiology. i'm trying to learn words like lateral spinothalamic funiculus...but i keep forgetting what they mean or where they are or what kind of axons run in them and where they go and what they do...

this is the start of deadweek. this week - classes end on wednesday, i have no tests or quizzes - nothing to but study in preparation for my finals - which start a week from today. don't expect to hear much from me for a while.

I LOVE SPRING!

something about the rebirth of cloistered, hidden life makes me wild with joy. i think they call it spring fever. i have it so bad. we have 2 more weeks. 3 days of class (4 if you count today) and then 2 study days, the weekend, and wham - 5 finals in a row - and then - joy oh joy - i am finished with my first year of vet school. i couldn't be more ready for it to be over. we had a final today - our virology class. i knocked it out of the ballpark. ok - not true. i did well, but i'm
probably in the B range. considering how much study time i had for it - i am thrilled with my performance. no more tests till a week and 4 days from now! YAY! to celebrate, myself, my hooband, and 15 or so of my classmates AND their dogs all went to sequoyah hills park today. it's a really nice park on the waterfront in ritzy sequoyah hills. the dogs chased toys - we played ultimate frisbee (which is really fun - but way too much exercise) and in general - lapped up the sun like flowers long deprived. it was so much fun. i feel good - for once. despite the looming specter of finals just over the horizon. i am looking forward to summer - though at this point - it looks like i will probably be working 2 jobs. but that's ok - one will be parrot research, the other a clinic job (in all likelihood).

i took the night off in celebration of my first successfully completed final - and watched ER and the apprentice. when ER was on - i was delighted to hear anatomical and medical terms that i knew! it gave me a decidedly thrilling little chill to realize that i am going TO BE a DOCTOR. with a DR in front of my name. a real doctor...

i'm sure that there is more to relate, but it's all gone flat outta my head right now. i love spring. i wish it could always be spring. i wish i could always be this happy. i'm working on it...but it does take work...

ambivalence?

i could say i'm ambivalent (emotionally speaking) right now - but that would be a lie. i bombed an anatomy lab practical today. it was 100 point test. i made a 69. i would be upset, but the rest of the class didn't do so hot either - considering the average was around a 74. it was a terribly prepared and extremely difficult test. the only reason i care that i didn't do well is because i now have a C in that class. i went from an A to a C in a week and a half. that's the nature of vet school. there's no use banking on grades, they fluctuate too much. i'm bummed about it. but what can you do? i studied pretty hard for it - but in the end - it wasn't enough. i seem to have a problem with anatomy - which surprises me, considering i made an easy A in undergrad. course - it was undergrad. so whatever. folks, i think i'm destined to get a C in anatomy again. so much for all As and Bs this semester. so much for being in phi zeta. oh well.

there was an awards convocation at school tonight. i went for the fantastic food catered by a very elite, expensive group called the entertainers. the food was amazing - they offered around 10 different kinds of desserts - from plain cheesecake up to triple chocolate snickers cheesecake to key lime to strawberry shortcake. the dinner was roast beef with about 6 different sides (i sampled ALL) with salad and croissants. it was incredible food. i put away 2 plates, 3 croissants, and dessert. hey! it's the last time i'm going to get food like that for a while. i'm accustomed to living on food that comes from a grease stained bag. sad but true. anyway, the school awarded (based on professor nominations) 4 students from our class a leadership award. guess who didn't get one? yes me. class president - organizer of all fundraising events, flamingo flocking, the halloween party, all our teeshirts...organizer of study sessions and information swapping. it stung a little (ok a lot) - i admit. then i realized it was based on teacher nomination - not student. the professors don't like me and never will. probably something to do with my problem with authority and my propensity for blurting out whatever i want to say whenever (i'm working on that tic btw). i'm over the insult now.

jim is really depressed. i wish i could help him, but i can't. he was turned down for an assistanceship/fee waiver for going back to get his phd next fall. he was sooooo looking forward to being finished with the menial work at pellissippi and being back at school. and now, barring some unforeseen circumstance (windfall from a very rich relative?) - he can't go back. he'll have to wait a whole year - and then there is no guarantee that he'll get an assistanceship the year after next. he's devastated. i wish i could do something to cheer him up - but nothing i offered - milkshakes, back rubs, sex - has seemed to make a dint in his gloom. any suggestions? it was a sad day all around here. i got a D on my anatomy test and was snubbed by my professors, jim can't go back to school (which is obviously infinitely worse than my petty worries)...money is tight. argh. i had just gotten back to feeling moderately okay.

at any rate, i had best git on to bed. i have my virology final exam on thursday, and i'm not even moderately prepared for it....that's one A i would love to keep.

good night.

insomniac theater

****WARNING: strong opinions and very very very personal emotions are contained in this post. the ideas may be offensive and upsetting to some. read at your own risk.***

insomnia is not your friend. especially when you're in vet school and have a test accounting for 1/5th of your grade in about 6 hours. i can't sleep.

ever since i was about 18, i've been an inconsistent insomniac. i can't decide if it stems from stress (probably) or depression. it just comes and goes. it's been particularly bad this week. i've spent at least 2 hours every night trying to fall asleep. i usually only manage to around 3am. at this point in the week, i feel perpetually stupid and slow. my brain only seems to work in spurts. not good for my grades. or my already fragile mental health.

part of what's keeping me up is my recent obsession with my own death. i have no idea what brought it on this time. i'm always - at some low, background level - aware of my own mortality and the ever-creeping nearness of my own demise. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't reflect on my own death to some degree. as an agnostic (?) - i don't believe in heaven or an afterlife or reincarnation. i wish i did. that would make my own death easier to accept. instead...i believe that we just cease to exist. as i didn't exist before my birth, neither will i after my death. at night - when my brain is winding down from a looooong day - i return to gnaw (mentally) at the nagging fear and horror of my own non-existence. usually it happens this way...i'll be on the verge of sleep - and then WHAM - i am suddenly filled with a feeling that i can only describe as utter voidness of being. i am confronted completely and totally with the fact that i am going to CEASE to EXIST. that i will never again be alive. that i will never sense, feel, think, or communicate ever again. i will be nothing. the thought usually rends the light blanket of sleep and i am awake, crying and desperate. it's a horrible feeling that nothing else has ever managed to stir in me. it usually subsides rapidly - because i think the human mind can only hold so much knowledge regarding its own brevity - and then some kind of defense mechanism cuts in. it's enough - at times - to make me pray to the god of my youth for intercession - to hear me and help me. but i always get nothing back.

that's what i find interesting about christianity. throughout childhood and church - i saw so so so many testimonials given by people that had hit some sort of personal rock bottom. and at that bottom - they gave up and gave everything over to god. and bam - everything was more tolerable. not perfect - mind you - but life gained meaning - and these people persevered - with God - and got through the bad times. i was never - as a child in church - aware of the possibility that god might not be there. that god might not answer me. or even that god might not care.
well, all you churchgoing relatives of mine - what do you have to say to that? i asked god to help me. and he either was busy elsewhere, doesn't care, is deaf, or doesn't exist. maybe i got a busy signal. maybe god doesn't have call waiting.
i've hit bottom so hard that i felt like i had halfway pitched over the edge to being dead - and i cried out for help. and there was nothing. doesn't really gel with the whole testimonial/rock bottom/jesus help me ritual from church, does it? for those of you who don't know - but would like to know more about my own private neuroses - i'll tell you. i've had panic attacks so bad that i hallucinated - so bad that i was absolutely CONVINCED that i was going to die within the next few seconds. so bad that i begged jim to take me to the hospital. you out there (and you know who you are) can blame it on lack of sleep, stress, poor eating habits, lack of exercise - plain nuttiness passed down from an obscure relative- whatever. but it's bottom for me. and when i hit, i gave up. i thought - this must be god's way of saying come back to me- give up, give everything over - and i did. i gave up - tried to turn it over. and nothing happened. no spiritual rest - no small, still voice. nothing. i cried out into the void and the void didn't answer.

i fully expect to get several replies from people on this subject - blaming me - for not reading the bible, for not going to church, for drifting from god - for whatever. but i'll tell you this - I GAVE UP and I GAVE IN. and i fully expected and believed that god would be there to catch me. and he wasn't. and he hasn't been since. and frankly, i've stopped looking.

papa, you can spare me your lecture and spare me the comments about my own self-absorbed-ness and naivete. i'm by no means worldly or knowledgeable so i can only talk about the things that i have experienced. and this has happened to me. i would love nothing more than to believe in god - to believe in redemption of the soul - to believe that there is something after this life. i would embrace anything plausible at this point to get away from the fear and knowledge of my own death. but i can't embrace an idea or a lifestyle to help manage a fear that lives in me day in and day out. why not just join the rest of the masses of people in the world and get xanax or an anti-depressant?

i have decided to think of life as a field trip from non-existence. because really - most of my "existence" is non-existing. i will be dead far longer than i was ever alive. so, i choose to think of life as a short boat trip from one far shore to another. on the boat trip, i have many options. i should make the best of them - because before you know it - there is a dark figure waiting to take your ticket and kick you off the boat. and that's it. the one shot to make it fun. it sucks. jim always assures me that he is okay with mortality - that living forever would be useless and that life would lose its value. that our mortality makes our lives that much more valuable. sad thing is - so few people realize the value of life. they go through it drifting along - miserably unhappy, abosrbed in the mundane goings on - blind to the true beauty that exists in just...existing. and who am i to talk? i let life - school - the small stuff (like a messy house) drag me down. i get bogged down in myself, my own flaws - turn a blind eye to true suffering and true glory.
every day is nearer the end. every day that other shore creeps closer and closer. today i can't make out the shoreline, tomorrow i may be able to see the sand...

well. i think i will stop now. i have much more to say. AS ALWAYS. but i'll keep counsel with myself for the rest of the (ahem) morning. perhaps i'll have more to say tomorrow.

my blog is boring

i have nothing to talk about besides school. i've studied all day today from 1pm till now. and i have about 4 more hours (at least) to go. bleh. 4 more weeks.

finished with micro anatomy

i just finished my micro test. it went well. i didn't make an A - but i think i made a B probably. i was mostly happy with my performance. i was at school last night until 2:45. i got to bed around 3:15. and up at 6:50. miraculously, i am still conscious. i have a class at 11am. i could have skipped it, but considering i've only attended once in the past month and a half, i thought today would be a good day to go. god knows why. it's only a half day today though!! yay! this weekend (fri and sat) is the vet school open house. in those 2 days, about 3000 people come through the school to see all the exciting things we do. i am working both days, unfortunately. titus and carnegie are coming with me tomorrow to be on display for the people to meet. i'm excited about working in the exotics ward. saturday, however - i am stuck working in indoor traffic - which sucks. i act as a sentry to stand in one place and tell people where not to go. not too fun - especially considering our anatomy quiz on monday and our renal physiology test on next thursday. it's a bit nauseating to think about. especially with everything else looming just over the horizon - more tests and then a full week (5 days straight) of finals. i am trying to take it one day at a time and not look too far forward into the future. if i do, my blood pressure sky rockets, my heart palpates, and i get faint. so, i'm working hard on not doing that.

18 days !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have 18 more days of class and finals (weekends excluded) and then i am officially a 2nd year vet student.

18 days !!!! 18 days !!! 18 days !!! 18 days !!!! 18 days !!! 18 days !!!! 18 days !!!! only 57 tests more to go !!!! kidding (mostly).

on other notes - wait - there are no other notes. are there? i'm confused. i don't really know what day it is or where i am or who i am. but i know that micro anatomy is over - which means i have to start cramming for anatomy and phys. ah. vet school.

i would like to post a bit

but i haven't the time, energy, or eyesight right now. i've been staring at micro anatomy for the past 8 hours (approx)...i also think there is something wrong with me. my eyesight has been really blurry lately - normally i do fine with writing and reading...it's faraway that's the trouble. but as of late, writing and reading is making my eyes hurt.

school is rapidly becoming utterly overwhelming. i had a quiz today (which i bombed spectacularly) - a test on thurs accounting for 1/3rd of my grade in micro, open house to work this weekend at school (i got stuck with BOTH day - fri and sat), an anatomy quiz on monday (written - like today - which i hate), a renal physiology test next thurs that i haven't even cracked the notes (100+ pages) for, a viro final the week after that...and it goes on and on and on and on. i'm trying to take it one day at a time and not think about the overwhelming load of school and studying. especially since i COULD have chosen to utilize my time over ables week efficiently. instead, i slept A LOT and didn't do much of anything. the only thing that saves me from total and complete mental collapse is knowing that most of my classmates are in the same situation. to bed now.