T minus 14 hours and counting

till i take the biggest exam of my life.

i'm suffering an immense amount of anxiety lately - even more than usual.

i am paralyzed by indecision, as of late. i went to blocksbuster last night to choose a movie, and it took me over half an hour. i roamed the aisles, and the more i looked and tried to decide, the more stressed i became. i was actually uneasy and anxious about selecting a movie. rather indicative of my mental state lately, i must admit.

last night, lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come - i tossed and turned - filled with a nervous, coiled energy. it felt like worms were wiggling beneath my skin, i kept changing sides, sighing, and doing that thing with my hair that i recently acquired. or have i not mentioned this yet? i sucked my thumb for a way longer time than normal people. WAY longer. till i was about 12, i think. and it wasn't just thumbsucking, i would always twist my hair around my index finger while doing it. i'm not sure what made me break the habit, but at some point, i decided i was too old to be doing it, so i gave it up. however, in the last 7 months or so, i've picked up the habit of taking a chunk of hair and lightly pressing the ends against my upper lip. i haven't the faintest idea what brought it on (other than stress, of course), but it's become rather annoying in that i do it all the time. i read somewhere that gentle hair pulling/follicle stimulation releases serotonin and generates a sense of well-being. i've always had an uber-sensitive head, in that i scream if someone else brushes my hair and i can be put into a hypnotic state by having my head rubbed. but still, this habit is just getting out of hand.

ANYWAY, none of that was the point. as i laid in bed last night, i kept running through all that is going on in my life currently and it pushed me to the brink of panic.

first, i can't decide about the internship vs job thing. i feel totally paralyzed. i'm torn because of money, time commitment, further damage to my marriage, all the things i've already talked about. further, as i said 3 posts ago, vet school cost a lot of money - and i need to start paying some of that back. the burden of our student debt adds a whole other dimension to my worries. couple that with the fact that whatever happens - job or internship - i am going to be moving soon, to a new city, with new opportunities...and i'm a basket case. i don't deal well with big changes - and a few of them are coming my way in the next few months. i've been in vet school for the last 4 years. it's consumed me. i don't know who i am without it. i spent a couple of hours last night surfing the AAVMC job site for veterinarians. i saved about 20 jobs to which i'm interested in applying. and then i realized what all this really meant. i'm about to be an adult. not just an adult but finally and truly a professional in a professional field. people are going to expect me to know things, to tell them what to do - to make firm decisions and be accountable for them. real life is scary. and it's getting scarier by the minute.

i wish i could just relax but this nervous energy is radiating from me constantly. it's also making me unbelievably grouchy.

anesthesia ended on friday. it was a great rotation while it lasted, but i was happy to see it end. i didn't lose any animals under anesthesia, unless you count my last surgery on friday - which had to be euthanized on the table. after it's all said and done, i feel much, much more comfortable with anesthetizing patients now. i actually kind of know what's going on with the machines, and i'm not scared anymore. so it was a good rotation.

now, i'm officially on vacation. unless you count the fact that i have to start my externship wednesday morning. but i'm looking forward to it. i'm going to a large emergency/referral hospital in a nearby town. i expect it will be exciting. hopefully also a great learning experience. and hopefully, once my board exam is over and done with, i can shed some of this nebulous anxiety.