Monday, September 17, 2007

bad monday. bad, BAD monday.

you probably think i'm referring to some rotting carcass - deer, cow, horse, pig, whatever. but actually, necropsy itself was very low-key today. we only had a puppy (another acute death - but this time with actual history of disease) and a 7 year old cat. no, necropsy wasn't what made this monday absolute shite.

so, friday - our parasit professor says that he won't be here on monday. i think - yay, no parasit lab! then he says that the lab tech will teach. only i either didn't hear that remark or it was something i heard and mentally discarded - for whatever obscure reason my brain had. so, i woke up this morning, refreshed, relaxed. i didn't have to be at school until necropsy at 1pm. when i was ready to go, i went to grab my keys. but said keys were absent. i looked and looked. and looked. then i called jim, frantic to get to school for necropsy. luckily, he came home and got me, though the keys were not and have not been located. so, not a great start to the day. however, i still arrived early for necropsy and seated myself in the conference room, where we round every day before starting. in walks a classmate. **EDITED** looks at me, and says ''re just not going to join us for parasitology lab anymore?' and i'm completely dumbfounded. so i stammered out, 'well, we didn't have parasit lab today.' she looks at me and say (and i quote) 'oh we had lab today' - again, i still wasn't catching on, so i repeated my stupid statement, only to receive the same answer. finally, one of my other rotation mates gently reminded me that the lab tech was teaching. a little light flickered on dimly in the back of my brain, and i thought ... 'shit!' so, obviously i felt BRILLIANT. i felt like absolute pond scum for letting my rotation mates down, they probably had to do extra work due to my absence.

oh but wait, it gets better. i might have mentioned before (here in my blog, mind you) that i hate necropsy. however, i've been keeping the whining about the smell and hard work to an absolute minimum on the necropsy floor. in fact, i've tried - while i'm there and working - to have a positive attitude and keep making jokes - even when the gore and stench is getting to me. but i slipped ONCE and said that 'i hate necropsy' in front of one of the pathologists. it was the day of the rotting pig, i was cramping badly and my back ached with that slow burn that only a menstrual cycle can inflict. this pathologist, i wasn't on with her last week, but she's on with us this week. and i love her. i think she's great. she's smart, funny, and her classes were some of my favorites throughout vet school. furthermore, she's always been super-friendly to me, even once bringing me into her office to ask my opinion about some slides she was using for the 2nd year's test. i thought she liked me. but she sits down at the conference table, centers me in her sites, and says 'to start with, i'd like to say that i don't want to hear anyone say that they hate necropsy. whining about it won't change anything, and we all don't want to hear it.' she says that while staring at me. i was humiliated and near tears at this point.

anyone who has read my blog knows how seriously i take clinics, how hard i work at it, how much i've been studying and trying to be diligent about whatever i'm doing, no matter how much i dislike it. i haven't been late or missed a single day of my clinical year. and then, all at once, i seem to make as many mistakes as possible in one day.

after that, necropsy was fine. the professor was fun, as usual - sunny and helpful, showing us the way she likes her necropsies done (which is different than last week's pathologist - by a lot!), making jokes, and offering constructive advice and praise. she was super-nice. it was just such a rough start to the week - when already i am struggling with what i'm doing. and i hate, hate, hate appearing irresponsible. i carry around a lot of guilt with me because i feel like i've always been irresponsible, to some degree. sure, in high school, i always worked - starting when i was 15. but i never took any of these jobs seriously. they were minimum wage - small points in my life marked merely by their unimportance. later, during college, i was the same way. i'd wait tables for a while, then just quit. and post-undergrad, i worked in a medical office. now, the circumstances were extenuating, it was a terrible place to work, but i walked out one day and just never went back. so i've always felt bad. that i don't have a good firm work ethic. that i've never learned to stick to something, if for nothing else than to be responsible. so i've taken clinics very, very seriously - always being early, always having everything completed on time, or well-ahead, being diligent about studying nightly, even when i'm exhausted. i've worked hard. i am working hard, every single day. but days like today make me feel irresponsible and childish all over again.

*sigh* i'm just glad today is over and i can refocus and actually get my head in the right place for tomorrow

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