Monday, March 20, 2006

this is my blog

but my family reads it, so i can't talk about all the stuff that's been going through my head lately. and probably that's a good thing. i've come to realize that there are probably some thoughts that should never be shared with anyone. they should remain inside your head - never to see the light of day. i think it's taken me almost 27 years to learn that. there are times when i need to keep my mouth shut. some might find it hard to believe this, but i can keep things inside. especially things that would hurt people needlessly. but god, my mind has been working lately. on so many subjects - on life and death and the afterlife or lack thereof, of monogamy/fidelity, marriage, society, birth and rebirth, frivolity and utter seriousness. lately, i'm far too inside my own head. life feels like a blur that is flying by me at a speed so astounding that i'm constantly left breathless.

sometimes - life feels like a box. you put all these things into the box, some of them are easy to put in the box and some of them take quite a bit of effort. but you fill the box and climb inside it with all of those things. and then, those things wind up surrounding you and trapping you. and then you find you can't get out of the box. and you start to wonder if what you filled the box with was the right stuff - because - apparently - you're going to be stuck with it for the rest of your life. here i am talking in the abstract about emotions that are very real to me. i've chosen pathways of commitment and work - things that take a lot of effort - marriage and vet school and being a committed member of my family. and now, the walls of the box are all around me. and i'm asking myself if all the choices are made for me - are there any choices left to be made in life? is choosing to remain committed to my various endeavors a choice in itself? and is it a worthy choice?

it must be a uniquely american trait - to be this happy - to have this much fulfillment in my life - but to still feel like i need out of whatever has trapped me.

i was reading the side of a starbucks coffee cup - and it had a blurb titled 'random thoughts' - or something along those lines. it started out "there is freedom within commitment..." and i've been trying to figure out if that's true since i saw that cup on thursday. and i haven't decided. i'm not stupid or naive enough to believe that the grass is greener - or to not understand the concept of having your cake and eating it too. it's just my mind never shuts up, and i can't help but wonder about the other choices i might have made and where my life might have taken me then.

and there is also the dangerous allure of total destruction. to exercise utter control over my life by destroying everything good in it. and then - like the phoenix - rising from the ashes of destruction, reborn. starting with nothing, from nothing, with no one. no one to hurt, no one to disappoint, no one to disappoint me. nothing. existing purely for myself and nothing else. life is bound to disappoint, society, people, america - it is all inevitably a disappointment. i look around and everyday, freedoms are eroded, our lives take on a narrower and narrower scope. tv and media fill the gaps in so many people's lives. there is emptiness and ... a space - a vacancy - opening in those around me. and what's poured into that space is more empty than the original vacuum.

there is so much emptiness in the world.

"so this is the new year. and i have no resolutions."

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