Wednesday, March 1, 2006

not much to report

other than that i finally seem to be finding equilibrium again. emotionally, i guess. i'm still sick. this is the 2nd time in a month! this time was really bad though, i spent a whole day in bed with a 101 fever. that was fun. it's taking me a looooooong time to get over it. i've been sick for about a week and a half. maybe it'll turn into something fun, like pneumonia!

school is school. i continue to do well. i made an exceptionally high score on my first GI exam (100/104). which is good, because i expect my grade to plummet on the next one (monday). i also made an A on my nutrition midterm.

things have been a little surreal here. i'm going through some kind of mental overhaul. a change in my outlook on life. it could be all the recent mental and emotional upset - the funerals, the stress of school, being ill, worrying about my family. it's done wonders to put certain things in perspective, i'll say that. i haven't found myself to be stressed aobut school at all. it probably helps that this is a 'less' stressful semester than the previous 3. whatever it is, i'm finally coming out of the anxiety and social neuroses that have plagued me since vet school started. i've stopped worrying about how i'm regarded at school, how much i get invited to go places - and all the other stupid, frivolous stuff that used to constantly take up space in my mind. i have a GREAT life. i really do. and i think - due to that fact - that i almost need something to worry about.

it's slightly more profound of a change in my attitude than i'm really managing to convey. i've come to be settled in what and who i have. there is no need to quest constantly for some way to 'improve' my standing with my peers. i can be the best person possible, the kindest, and refrain from saying hurtful things. i can quest every day to improve my behavior, my manners, and my general interactions with people. but i can't constantly worry about those things and let them consume me. because - in the end - none of it matters. i can do the best i can while i'm here, and i'll have to be satisfied with that. i'm trying everyday to be a better person. and that's all i can do.

in other news, i'm finally reading 'the fountainhead' - it's terribly overdue, especially considering its generally undisputed claim to literary greatness. but i've just gotten around to it. it seemed like kind of a heavy read (literally and figuratively - at 700 pages and dealing with objectivism and rand's philosophies) for a 'during school' book - but i don't care so much. and i'm really enjoying it. i've gotten to where i don't want to put it down at night (not good for sleep schedules!) i'm taking it much easier this semester! i've truly stopped wigging out about studying. i just accept that it has to be done, and i do it at my own pace. it'll be good enough. or it won't. but it will. and if it's not perfect, so?

i didn't get hired to be on the anesthesia team this summer. it was somewhat of a shock, especially considering the interest the head of the team expressed in having me apply. and then, he never bothered to contact me when the positions were filled, despite the fact that i had another job waiting - based on the decision. in fact, he patently avoided the topic when i asked him - point blank - about the positions. at the time, they were already filled, though i didn't know it. and he couldn't even tell me to my face. in fact, during the brief conversation, he looked off to the side and around me, but never directly at me. i forget that 'adults' (i still don't think of myself as one) can be really stupid and juvenile and neurotic, too. unprofessionalism in the vet school strikes again! i was upset at first. now i don't care so much. rejection is a part of life. or so i'm told. dr g asked me back to do research with her this summer on parrot blood. the good news is - since last summer - they've had some really interesting successes. so, i'll actually have something to do this summer that won't be a failure. and they'll be a more normal (albeit more busy) work schedule. i'm not complaining about how lazy i got to be last summer. it was great.

after this summer, i'm done with freedom for a while. after 3rd year wraps up, we get a week break, then it's into the 'ivory tower' of the clinics (as my endocrinology professor referred to it). those days seem awfully distant and yet terribly immediate, at the same time.

i guess that's about all. i went to dinner tonight with my brother, hooband, both brothers in law, and alie. it was fun and relaxing. but now i have liver enzymes to learn!

**random surgical tidbit for today -- cataracts are operated on by removing the lens of the eye! a cataract is just the formation of an opacity on the lens. see the diagram above for lens position. this is done through a tiny incision in the capsule around the lens. a supersonic vibrating/suction device (60000 vibrations/sec) is placed through the hole and the lens is broken up and suctioned out. then a prosthetic lens is put in place! how cool is that? i love ophthalmology!**

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