new motivation

i have decided that - if i'm going to put my life out here on display - for everyone to read on a whim - i'm going to have to get something out of it. hence - my 'conclusion of the day' - i am going to learn something from every day - whether it be a frivolous fact (cows have no upper teeth) or something deep and meaningful. no more wasting my blog only to talk about my own pecadillos and annoyances (which right now include the fact that my toes are being attacked by a vicious african grey:)

so, what have i learned today? many things actually. i'm very emotional when i'm having PMS, people in the world are mostly stupid, and i really really don't like vet school. i'd go so far as to say i hate it. please, no one email me or post that it's a bad idea to put that information in my blog. i do - i hate vet school. i hate going into that same building every day- sitting in the same room - doing the same things. life has begun to seem very very surreal and continuous. i find the simplest things hard to remember. i was having my hair cut today, and i couldn't - for my own LIFE - remember what i had for lunch. it's like my brain is short circuiting constantly. my days blend together into one disharmonious rhythm. i ride through the day like a piece of kelp in the ocean - no more aware of the vastness around me than that piece of kelp. i occasionally surface from my mind numbed-ness and realize that whole days have passed me by - and that i can't remember doing anything terribly worthwhile with them. i feel down constantly - when i can let myself think about things for more than 5 minutes snatched between classes and lab. i hate vet school. hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it. does that mean i'm in the wrong place? i truly don't know the answer to that question. maybe spring break will help me come to a conclusion on that. a whole week of true relaxation.

i had one of those mini furiously angry episodes today that prompted me to bum a cigarette off a friend and go smoke in moody, sulky silence. sometimes, i really don't think that i can do it. it eclipses the joy i take in the truly good things about vet school - learning, experiencing seeing and knowing things that other people don't.

i'm so frustrated and angry right now. i despise school. i don't want to go anymore. don't get me wrong, i'm not going to up and quit - too much money, time, and heartache invested. why can't people just be nice? i try very hard to be nice. but the world seems so eager to condemn -- as fast as possible.

why is it so hard to love oneself? because anyone who knows themselves truly and deeply (as no other person can) - knows what there is to hate existing within? i don't know the answer to that question. i do know that i need to stop caring so much about every single person's perception of me. i need to realize that people are people - stupid and mean and evil (often) and sometimes kind and generous and thoughtful. it makes me sad that so much time in my life is wasted on thinking about myself. granny ashe is in the hospital - that's important. that's worthy of thinking about. not some stupid, immature people who want to take offense at the slightest provocation.

so my conclusion of the day:
there are more important things in life than peoples' perceptions of you. MUCH more important things. you just have to sit down and remember them when you start to get bogged down in the stupidity and small-mindedness of life.