Thursday, May 1, 2008

oil and water

i am the oil. everyone else in my life is the water. i don't know if it's because of my imminent graduation or my period or the huge changes pending in my life - but i am the oil these days. the rest of the world is the water with which i am thrown. i'm on a rotation with a good friend. we keep striking against each other like matches against flint. and jim - god - all we do these days is argue. we're considering buying a house. i came home with information, excited at the prospect of what finally feels like an adult life - and we wound up in an argument. seems to be the theme these days.

what is wrong with me lately?

i gained 5 lbs on my critical care (overnight) rotation. likely because all i did was eat to stay awake. it's made my self-esteem plummet - especially knowing i'll see my family in less than a week at graduation and have to hear that i'm stocky, i'll always be stocky...blah blah blah. i think i'd be okay with my body if my upbringing hadn't skewed me so badly and made me so self-conscious of how i look.

i shouldn't be depressed. i should be happy. i'm on the cusp of my professional life. 6 years ago - lost in the human medical insurance field - i was miserable, confused, searching for a job that i thought would bring me fulfillment. and now - here i am - about to be fulfilled. i don't deal well with change. and it's coming at me fast. i'm just not a very adaptable creature. evolution should probably have already weeded me out...

it's funny. as hard as the last 2 years have been - ever since my life came semi-crashing down - and as much as i swore i wanted to be away from the vet school - now that it's almost here, i'm scared. scared and sad and ... something else that i cannot put my finger on exactly. i don't want to say nostalgic. it's not quite that. it's nostalgia and fear and yearning and regret and wistfulness and wonder and loss - all at one time. there is no word for that.

No comments: