this is my blog

but my family reads it, so i can't talk about all the stuff that's been going through my head lately. and probably that's a good thing. i've come to realize that there are probably some thoughts that should never be shared with anyone. they should remain inside your head - never to see the light of day. i think it's taken me almost 27 years to learn that. there are times when i need to keep my mouth shut. some might find it hard to believe this, but i can keep things inside. especially things that would hurt people needlessly. but god, my mind has been working lately. on so many subjects - on life and death and the afterlife or lack thereof, of monogamy/fidelity, marriage, society, birth and rebirth, frivolity and utter seriousness. lately, i'm far too inside my own head. life feels like a blur that is flying by me at a speed so astounding that i'm constantly left breathless.

sometimes - life feels like a box. you put all these things into the box, some of them are easy to put in the box and some of them take quite a bit of effort. but you fill the box and climb inside it with all of those things. and then, those things wind up surrounding you and trapping you. and then you find you can't get out of the box. and you start to wonder if what you filled the box with was the right stuff - because - apparently - you're going to be stuck with it for the rest of your life. here i am talking in the abstract about emotions that are very real to me. i've chosen pathways of commitment and work - things that take a lot of effort - marriage and vet school and being a committed member of my family. and now, the walls of the box are all around me. and i'm asking myself if all the choices are made for me - are there any choices left to be made in life? is choosing to remain committed to my various endeavors a choice in itself? and is it a worthy choice?

it must be a uniquely american trait - to be this happy - to have this much fulfillment in my life - but to still feel like i need out of whatever has trapped me.

i was reading the side of a starbucks coffee cup - and it had a blurb titled 'random thoughts' - or something along those lines. it started out "there is freedom within commitment..." and i've been trying to figure out if that's true since i saw that cup on thursday. and i haven't decided. i'm not stupid or naive enough to believe that the grass is greener - or to not understand the concept of having your cake and eating it too. it's just my mind never shuts up, and i can't help but wonder about the other choices i might have made and where my life might have taken me then.

and there is also the dangerous allure of total destruction. to exercise utter control over my life by destroying everything good in it. and then - like the phoenix - rising from the ashes of destruction, reborn. starting with nothing, from nothing, with no one. no one to hurt, no one to disappoint, no one to disappoint me. nothing. existing purely for myself and nothing else. life is bound to disappoint, society, people, america - it is all inevitably a disappointment. i look around and everyday, freedoms are eroded, our lives take on a narrower and narrower scope. tv and media fill the gaps in so many people's lives. there is emptiness and ... a space - a vacancy - opening in those around me. and what's poured into that space is more empty than the original vacuum.

there is so much emptiness in the world.

"so this is the new year. and i have no resolutions."

this is my blog

but my family reads it, so i can't talk about all the stuff that's been going through my head lately. and probably that's a good thing. i've come to realize that there are probably some thoughts that should never be shared with anyone. they should remain inside your head - never to see the light of day. i think it's taken me almost 27 years to learn that. there are times when i need to keep my mouth shut. some might find it hard to believe this, but i can keep things inside. especially things that would hurt people needlessly. but god, my mind has been working lately. on so many subjects - on life and death and the afterlife or lack thereof, of monogamy/fidelity, marriage, society, birth and rebirth, frivolity and utter seriousness. lately, i'm far too inside my own head. life feels like a blur that is flying by me at a speed so astounding that i'm constantly left breathless.

sometimes - life feels like a box. you put all these things into the box, some of them are easy to put in the box and some of them take quite a bit of effort. but you fill the box and climb inside it with all of those things. and then, those things wind up surrounding you and trapping you. and then you find you can't get out of the box. and you start to wonder if what you filled the box with was the right stuff - because - apparently - you're going to be stuck with it for the rest of your life. here i am talking in the abstract about emotions that are very real to me. i've chosen pathways of commitment and work - things that take a lot of effort - marriage and vet school and being a committed member of my family. and now, the walls of the box are all around me. and i'm asking myself if all the choices are made for me - are there any choices left to be made in life? is choosing to remain committed to my various endeavors a choice in itself? and is it a worthy choice?

it must be a uniquely american trait - to be this happy - to have this much fulfillment in my life - but to still feel like i need out of whatever has trapped me.

i was reading the side of a starbucks coffee cup - and it had a blurb titled 'random thoughts' - or something along those lines. it started out "there is freedom within commitment..." and i've been trying to figure out if that's true since i saw that cup on thursday. and i haven't decided. i'm not stupid or naive enough to believe that the grass is greener - or to not understand the concept of having your cake and eating it too. it's just my mind never shuts up, and i can't help but wonder about the other choices i might have made and where my life might have taken me then.

and there is also the dangerous allure of total destruction. to exercise utter control over my life by destroying everything good in it. and then - like the phoenix - rising from the ashes of destruction, reborn. starting with nothing, from nothing, with no one. no one to hurt, no one to disappoint, no one to disappoint me. nothing. existing purely for myself and nothing else. life is bound to disappoint, society, people, america - it is all inevitably a disappointment. i look around and everyday, freedoms are eroded, our lives take on a narrower and narrower scope. tv and media fill the gaps in so many people's lives. there is emptiness and ... a space - a vacancy - opening in those around me. and what's poured into that space is more empty than the original vacuum.

there is so much emptiness in the world.

"so this is the new year. and i have no resolutions."

wedding bells

this weekend was a mini-escape from the reality of everyday life (ie vet school). my 1st cousin, whom we all grew up with, got married in durham, NC. it was an extravagant wedding. the food was absolutely amazing (at the reception AND the rehearsal dinner). and there were 2 open bars. i ate and drank too much and spent much of today feeling vaguely full and queasy. but it was a decadent, good time. i got to see my family and spend some time with them. not much, as everyone was up for the weekend only. but it was enough. and i'm going to FL next saturday for my spring break, to stay with my grandparents and help out where i can. it was kind of hard seeing everyone, because i can see the toll that crosby's death has taken. the joviality of our family - the loud raucousness - while still present - is much more subdued. i could see that my family isn't sleeping well, as a whole. still, everyone contrived to have a nice time. i think it would have been the best wedding i'd ever been to, if the cloud of crosby's death hadn't been hanging over it. that - and his 2nd birthday was last week.

t. and a. (haha, i never realized they're T&A) looked very happy. i guess everyone calls him by his given name now, he made people stop calling him by his nickname years ago. but i grew up with that kid - and he was and always will be t. to me. but to no one else outside our family, i guess. it's funny how time goes by and you lose track of things. we used to see t. virtually everyday. and now, i'm lucky if i see him twice a year at family gatherings. the shape of your life is constantly changing, but you're so inside of it that you don't notice the change. then one day it hits you - bam! your life is never the same, from moment to moment. and yet it is. and yet it manages to change.

i'm reading the fountainhead still. nearing the end (150pgs more to go). it's absolutely riveting and galvanizing. it makes me want to take a stand for total integrity and absolute idealism. not to let the pettiness of mundane life drag me down into the mud. it's such a beautiful and disturbing book. it brings to light both the most awful and depraved within people and the most beautiful and luminescent. seeing the two side by side gives me an uneasy feeling, because it's hard to see where i fall. toward the awful and depraved, i fear. or is that only how my christian upbringing would have me perceive myself? at any rate, i am finding the book to be a lot less boring than i expected! i can't put it down. and i'm afraid of what's going to happen when i'm finished. not afraid that i'll affect some big change in my life - but afraid that i won't. that i'll read something that clearly expresses my ideas and feelings about the world, and then i won't act on them. i'll store the knowledge away, to gather dust in the back of my mind. unused, untouched, uncontemplated. it's easier just to go on living life according to the status quo. it really is. and that's what most of us will do. it's sad. as socrates said, 'the unexamined life is not worth living.' i'm probably taking that quote terribly out of context, but it suits my purposes.

ah. at any rate, enough pseudo-philosophical ramblings. i will never attain what i want with my life - that state of near perfection, of righting all the character wrongs, and whatnot. so why try? i hate a defeatist attitude, but it lingers on.

oh yes, i am in vet school. i finished endocrinology up on friday. we had our midterm, and it was incredibly grueling. it was in the neighborhood of 18 pages and took the entire time (which is unusual for me). i was glad to be finished. we left for the wedding about 2 hours later (2 hours of frantic packing and cleaning). nutrition winds up this coming friday - heralding the start of spring break. but we have 2 new classes to add to the roster - zoonoses and pharm part II. so...it's not letting up. but i'm not stressed anymore. i have finally and successfully removed myself from the stress of school. not the stress of never having any time to myself, but the stress of caring about grades and performance. and the stress of trying to be socially accepted. i find that those things matter very little, ever since crosby died. sad that it took something so tragic to TRITELY snap my perspective back into focus. but alas, i'm human and trite, just like the rest of you.

the fountainhead and objectivism

well, i finally dove into rand's 'the fountainhead'. i've heard about how good it is from every single person that's ever read it for the last oh -- 10 years. i'd tried to start it several times in the past, but i was never 'ready' for the book. i picked it up about 3 nights ago and now i'm sucked in totally. i just finished the first section (peter keating), and it was riveting.

the book has a grip on me, and it won't let go. i always read before i go to sleep - because it helps me unwind mentally, and it keeps me sane, and i hate not reading just because school is in session! it's been keeping me up too late, though. 2 and 3 in the morning. not that my insomnia doesn't do that anway. but whatever.

interestingly, the fountainhead was the 2nd book on the MLA reader chosen top 100 books of all time. all 4 of her biggest books (we the living, atlas shrugged, anthem, and the fountainhead) were in the top 10 reader chosen books. NONE of her books appeared anywhere in the MLA's top 100. i thought it an odd oversight. but ... alas ... i'm sure all of the MLA board are liberals and hated rand's philosophies. that list of books sparked a big controversy regarding both racism and sexism. if you're interested, the link:


www.randomhouse.com/modernlibrary/100bestnovels.html

not much to report

other than that i finally seem to be finding equilibrium again. emotionally, i guess. i'm still sick. this is the 2nd time in a month! this time was really bad though, i spent a whole day in bed with a 101 fever. that was fun. it's taking me a looooooong time to get over it. i've been sick for about a week and a half. maybe it'll turn into something fun, like pneumonia!

school is school. i continue to do well. i made an exceptionally high score on my first GI exam (100/104). which is good, because i expect my grade to plummet on the next one (monday). i also made an A on my nutrition midterm.

things have been a little surreal here. i'm going through some kind of mental overhaul. a change in my outlook on life. it could be all the recent mental and emotional upset - the funerals, the stress of school, being ill, worrying about my family. it's done wonders to put certain things in perspective, i'll say that. i haven't found myself to be stressed aobut school at all. it probably helps that this is a 'less' stressful semester than the previous 3. whatever it is, i'm finally coming out of the anxiety and social neuroses that have plagued me since vet school started. i've stopped worrying about how i'm regarded at school, how much i get invited to go places - and all the other stupid, frivolous stuff that used to constantly take up space in my mind. i have a GREAT life. i really do. and i think - due to that fact - that i almost need something to worry about.

it's slightly more profound of a change in my attitude than i'm really managing to convey. i've come to be settled in what and who i have. there is no need to quest constantly for some way to 'improve' my standing with my peers. i can be the best person possible, the kindest, and refrain from saying hurtful things. i can quest every day to improve my behavior, my manners, and my general interactions with people. but i can't constantly worry about those things and let them consume me. because - in the end - none of it matters. i can do the best i can while i'm here, and i'll have to be satisfied with that. i'm trying everyday to be a better person. and that's all i can do.

in other news, i'm finally reading 'the fountainhead' - it's terribly overdue, especially considering its generally undisputed claim to literary greatness. but i've just gotten around to it. it seemed like kind of a heavy read (literally and figuratively - at 700 pages and dealing with objectivism and rand's philosophies) for a 'during school' book - but i don't care so much. and i'm really enjoying it. i've gotten to where i don't want to put it down at night (not good for sleep schedules!) i'm taking it much easier this semester! i've truly stopped wigging out about studying. i just accept that it has to be done, and i do it at my own pace. it'll be good enough. or it won't. but it will. and if it's not perfect, so?

i didn't get hired to be on the anesthesia team this summer. it was somewhat of a shock, especially considering the interest the head of the team expressed in having me apply. and then, he never bothered to contact me when the positions were filled, despite the fact that i had another job waiting - based on the decision. in fact, he patently avoided the topic when i asked him - point blank - about the positions. at the time, they were already filled, though i didn't know it. and he couldn't even tell me to my face. in fact, during the brief conversation, he looked off to the side and around me, but never directly at me. i forget that 'adults' (i still don't think of myself as one) can be really stupid and juvenile and neurotic, too. unprofessionalism in the vet school strikes again! i was upset at first. now i don't care so much. rejection is a part of life. or so i'm told. dr g asked me back to do research with her this summer on parrot blood. the good news is - since last summer - they've had some really interesting successes. so, i'll actually have something to do this summer that won't be a failure. and they'll be a more normal (albeit more busy) work schedule. i'm not complaining about how lazy i got to be last summer. it was great.

after this summer, i'm done with freedom for a while. after 3rd year wraps up, we get a week break, then it's into the 'ivory tower' of the clinics (as my endocrinology professor referred to it). those days seem awfully distant and yet terribly immediate, at the same time.

i guess that's about all. i went to dinner tonight with my brother, hooband, both brothers in law, and alie. it was fun and relaxing. but now i have liver enzymes to learn!

**random surgical tidbit for today -- cataracts are operated on by removing the lens of the eye! a cataract is just the formation of an opacity on the lens. see the diagram above for lens position. this is done through a tiny incision in the capsule around the lens. a supersonic vibrating/suction device (60000 vibrations/sec) is placed through the hole and the lens is broken up and suctioned out. then a prosthetic lens is put in place! how cool is that? i love ophthalmology!**

not much to report

other than that i finally seem to be finding equilibrium again. emotionally, i guess. i'm still sick. this is the 2nd time in a month! this time was really bad though, i spent a whole day in bed with a 101 fever. that was fun. it's taking me a looooooong time to get over it. i've been sick for about a week and a half. maybe it'll turn into something fun, like pneumonia!

school is school. i continue to do well. i made an exceptionally high score on my first GI exam (100/104). which is good, because i expect my grade to plummet on the next one (monday). i also made an A on my nutrition midterm.

things have been a little surreal here. i'm going through some kind of mental overhaul. a change in my outlook on life. it could be all the recent mental and emotional upset - the funerals, the stress of school, being ill, worrying about my family. it's done wonders to put certain things in perspective, i'll say that. i haven't found myself to be stressed aobut school at all. it probably helps that this is a 'less' stressful semester than the previous 3. whatever it is, i'm finally coming out of the anxiety and social neuroses that have plagued me since vet school started. i've stopped worrying about how i'm regarded at school, how much i get invited to go places - and all the other stupid, frivolous stuff that used to constantly take up space in my mind. i have a GREAT life. i really do. and i think - due to that fact - that i almost need something to worry about.

it's slightly more profound of a change in my attitude than i'm really managing to convey. i've come to be settled in what and who i have. there is no need to quest constantly for some way to 'improve' my standing with my peers. i can be the best person possible, the kindest, and refrain from saying hurtful things. i can quest every day to improve my behavior, my manners, and my general interactions with people. but i can't constantly worry about those things and let them consume me. because - in the end - none of it matters. i can do the best i can while i'm here, and i'll have to be satisfied with that. i'm trying everyday to be a better person. and that's all i can do.

in other news, i'm finally reading 'the fountainhead' - it's terribly overdue, especially considering its generally undisputed claim to literary greatness. but i've just gotten around to it. it seemed like kind of a heavy read (literally and figuratively - at 700 pages and dealing with objectivism and rand's philosophies) for a 'during school' book - but i don't care so much. and i'm really enjoying it. i've gotten to where i don't want to put it down at night (not good for sleep schedules!) i'm taking it much easier this semester! i've truly stopped wigging out about studying. i just accept that it has to be done, and i do it at my own pace. it'll be good enough. or it won't. but it will. and if it's not perfect, so?

i didn't get hired to be on the anesthesia team this summer. it was somewhat of a shock, especially considering the interest the head of the team expressed in having me apply. and then, he never bothered to contact me when the positions were filled, despite the fact that i had another job waiting - based on the decision. in fact, he patently avoided the topic when i asked him - point blank - about the positions. at the time, they were already filled, though i didn't know it. and he couldn't even tell me to my face. in fact, during the brief conversation, he looked off to the side and around me, but never directly at me. i forget that 'adults' (i still don't think of myself as one) can be really stupid and juvenile and neurotic, too. unprofessionalism in the vet school strikes again! i was upset at first. now i don't care so much. rejection is a part of life. or so i'm told. dr g asked me back to do research with her this summer on parrot blood. the good news is - since last summer - they've had some really interesting successes. so, i'll actually have something to do this summer that won't be a failure. and they'll be a more normal (albeit more busy) work schedule. i'm not complaining about how lazy i got to be last summer. it was great.

after this summer, i'm done with freedom for a while. after 3rd year wraps up, we get a week break, then it's into the 'ivory tower' of the clinics (as my endocrinology professor referred to it). those days seem awfully distant and yet terribly immediate, at the same time.

i guess that's about all. i went to dinner tonight with my brother, hooband, both brothers in law, and alie. it was fun and relaxing. but now i have liver enzymes to learn!

**random surgical tidbit for today -- cataracts are operated on by removing the lens of the eye! a cataract is just the formation of an opacity on the lens. see the diagram above for lens position. this is done through a tiny incision in the capsule around the lens. a supersonic vibrating/suction device (60000 vibrations/sec) is placed through the hole and the lens is broken up and suctioned out. then a prosthetic lens is put in place! how cool is that? i love ophthalmology!**