maybe something besides whining?

i'm (as is completely commonplace these days) running on a negligible amount of sleep. but i feel strangely good. i decided to come home for lunch today, when normally i hang around school and eat cafeteria style food from the munchbox. (on that note, i really should pay my escalating tab ...) it's nice to be home with a deadline for going back to school and "doing things" - i can enjoy a moment of relative mental peace. it could be that i'm just utterly sleep deprived and thought - stressful or otherwise - is completely impossible ... but i think it's being in my home...with my birdie chillun, and the rain falling outside.

so, i went home this weekend, to visit my extended family. and of course, i had to "overstudy" yesterday for what i perceived as my slackerhood on saturday. i went to the library at 4p and stayed till 10p. i then came home and pounded out 4 more hours at parasitology before calling it a night. i allowed myself to read a bit before going to bed - though it lessened my sleep. i find reading before bedtime a nice way to mentally unwind. i'm reading 'the virgin suicides' (again). it's so easy to read, it's not a mental puzzle, and i love it. It might be lazy to read a book i've already read - but hey - whadda i care? I'm a vet student. i can do what i want with my (free)time.

i guess i should talk about something other than school occasionally. i'm sure people would like to know what i do with the other 10 minutes of my day. hah.

what i learned on vacation

it's my last night of vacation - and what have i learned this spring break - more than midway through my first year of vet school?

first - that i need my family more than anything. in 2 days here with my grandparents, i have recuperated more mentally than in 4 days with my friends, on a beautiful beach, in a fun, frisky, florida town. i can actually begin to tolerate the thought of going back to school and making that final push for the end of the semester. for once, it seems possible that i will get through this year. despite the fact that my family is much like me - loud, critical, bossy, and enjoys taunting the younger generation - they are also generous, kind, giving, and ever present.

secondly - from now on - i have to make a concerted effort to protect my own mental and physical stability. if this means appearing to "back out" of things that i plan - that's ok.

thirdly - i have to think before i speak and learn to say no - both. if i can't say no - then i can never make myself stable. if i take on duty after duty, friend after friend, and activity after activity - i will lose sight of what i want to do and NEED to for myself. i also have to stop jumping at every exciting or enticing opportunity that rears its head. i need to think through before i commit to activities with friends, family, and otherwise.

fourth - i have to stop thinking about my own flaws and myself all the time. when my grandfather said i was self-centered, i thought about this (naturally) for a while - and i came to this conclusion. if self-centered means constant consideration of my own flaws and shortcomings - as well as constant wondering and worrying about how others are affected by my actions and words - and how they perceive me as a result - then yes - i am self-centered. if - however - self-centered means thinking only of myself and no one else -then my grandfather is wrong. i am constantly - at home, at school and in other areas of my life - trying to do things for others. and all of my self reflection and consideration is leading (hopefully) to one ultimate goal - to be a better person who is more considerate of my family and friends - as well as those who don't know me. i would also like to be a truly charitable person who strives to put others before herself. i work very hard in my marriage to think of what is good for my husband, to put his desires and needs above my own - especially when i know my desires are selfishly motivated. so - in some respects, i am self-centered - but in many, i am not.

vacation is so close to being over. i am eager - SO EAGER - to go home and see my husband. i also miss my kitties and birdies terribly. it is odd to be in houses like my grandparents - where there are no household deities running around and making messes. it's also odd not to have to clean. there is no cleaning to do here because of the plumbers making such a mess (replumbing the ENTIRE house)...i want to hug my husband desperately and to see him. i hate being away. i also miss my parroquettes - i miss having a little green deity on my shoulder to ride around and be my buddy. i'll be tired of it - i'm sure - the hassle and responsibility - within a month - but now i'm looking forward to returning to my happily chaotic and loving household. 7 animals and 2 people is a lot for one place...

i think i have summed up my vacation in as many words as possible. i wish i had something un-self centered to add. i could talk about terry schiavo - but i'm always at a loss for words when trying to discuss it. i start to stutter and get infuriated and teary at the same time. it's a travesty in our country - AMERICA - that this should be happening. if we're going to starve her - why not just starve retarded people too? what kind of quality of life can they possibly have? okay - i shouldn't talk about this...i get livid. someday, i'll start reading the news again - and reading more books - and i'll have something to talk about besides myself - art, politics, religion - etc. but you - faithful readers - will have to wait until summer for that stuff.

conclusion of the day: i have a good family - and i'm very very lucky in that.

update on my life

i was told, by my loving grandfather (and i mean that loving sincerely, not sarcastically) - that i'm too personal on my blog. also - that i'm self-centered. so i asked him if he ever felt uncomfortable when reading my blog - that he was learning too much - or that i was embarrassing him. he said no. so, i don't know how he measures that i am saying too much. but as much as i love him - i can't agree. with the self-centered part, yes. i probably am. i maintain that i am no more self-centered than anyone else - that i say things that other people think but would never voice. but perhaps i'm wrong about that. who knows? i do know that i put myself out there - i consider myself an open book. i don't hide my life in hopes that other people won't hide from me. what's scary about honesty and openness?

at any rate, this has been a bad spring break. the point was to relax, recuperate, and regain spirit for the final push through this semester. i was remiss in deciding to go to ft lauderdale with my 2 good friends. while both are fun and GOOD friends, i don't share a lot of their natural go go go-ness. they wanted to do multiple things every day - shop, go to clubs, go places all the time. and i wanted to lie by a pool or sea and read, soak up healing sunshine, sleep, eat, and recuperate. and i really wanted to do it with jim. these desires were not to be realized. and i know it's my own fault. i - AGAIN - knew what i needed, and i didn't pursue it - but lulled myself into thinking that another activity could suffice. call me selfish, self-centered, whatever -- i needed to recuperate, especially given how much i truly loathe school right now. so, today - i left ft lauderdale (and left sharon there) and drove to my grandparents. and now, i feel relaxed finally. i went to dinner with my grandparents, saw my family some, and now i'm blogging, and i'm going to read some more. i'm reading three books - the gormenghast trilogy - which i probably won't finish before spring break ends - being 2000 pages, anywhere but here, and the divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood. i will finish one, hopefully. sharon is taking the amtrak, courtesy of $47 of my money, to lakeland on saturday afternoon, and we will leave to go home from here then. late - won't get home till about 4 in the morning.

i have learned little on this trip - other than that i am a judgmental, critical, hard to please person who has very set ideas about what makes her happy and what she wants to do with herself. i have also learned that truly - other than your family - the rest of the world can go to hell. i hate to say that - but it's true. without a family, i would be lost. but then, i also wouldn't be who i am today. it is partly because of my family that i am who i am. i guess it's a great deal due to them.

i have also decided that the great writers and philosophers - artistole, sophocles, kant, tolstoy, neitzche - while being incredibly intelligent and eloquent - were not different people in any true sense. smart or dumb, rich or poor - the human experience is the same. what makes the philosophers and writers great is that they could (and still can) verbalize the internal human experience - those things that people less intellectually minded feel but can never explain. that is what separates them from us...

at least, i think.

i'll be home again on sunday morning, very early. then to easter dinner with my family in greeneville on sunday. my now married brother, andrew, leaves for kuwait on tuesday morning - so we're going out with a host of friends and family for dinner on monday night. the wedding went beautifully - with the help of sharon and alison, we did the reception up brilliantly. lavender and lace tableclothes, beautiful floral centerpieces, candles, lavender and pearl balloons, wisteria and hurricane glasses with candles on the mantlepiece -- and all the food. 2 veggies trays, a fruit tray, a cheese tray, 5 sandwich trays (roast beef, turkey, and chicken salad), chips, dip, 2 pasta salads (one creamy, one italian), lil smokeys bbqed in my special sauce for 2 days, punch, and wine. i think it was a smashing success. i also put together a wedding cake - and with alison's expert help - made an impromptu flower topper (since the one they bought kept falling over). when i get home, there are many pictures to post.

i guess that's all to report. i'm sure i have more self-centered stuff to talk about - like my complete and utter mental wipeout last wednesday night - panic attack, the works, and the fact that i missed a test (in physiology) as a result. and let me finish that off by saying i have NEVER - in undergrad or grad school - missed a test for any reason. ANY reason. but that's another story. and it might even be too personal for me to talk about. shocking, i know.

kisses to all that read my blog. raspberries to you that dont!

this is going to be a downer

sometimes, it's really really really really really really really really really really really really really hard to make myself get out of bed and go to class. it's not because i don't like vet school or because i don't want to be a vet. it's because vet school seems designed to crush your spirit. quiz test quiz test test quiz - day in day out. there is never a moment when you can really heave a sigh and feel relieved that something is finished. the minute one test is over, it's time to start serious prep for another. it feels like being hit repeatedly with a giant mental sledgehammer. there is no reprieve. and there's really no sense in even complaining about it - because what does complaining accomplish? i've seen so many friends and acquaintances leaking tears this week...
yesterday was a bad day. i felt that if i spent one more second inside UT, i would lose it. and - of course - we had anatomy lab till 5p - and then clean up crew. i tried so hard to get out of the mental funk, but by the time 2p rolled around, i was shaking with the effort of not crying. it NEVER stops. the stress NEVER goes away. there isn't a single second where SCHOOL and STUDYING and PHYSIOLOGY, ANATOMY, EPIDEMIOLOGY - and my other 5 classes aren't lurking in the back of my mind - goading me - taunting me. yes, i realize that i am losing perspective. but it's very hard to keep perspective when you spend all day EVERY day in the same place, with the same people, doing the same things - lecture, lab, lunch, lab, lecture, test, lab lecture test lab ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ok.
i'm going to have dinner with some friends. of course, we will study for our epidemiology midterm (tomorrow) over dinner. so it won't be a relaxing dinner. of course.

school update

class got rip-roarin' today, after a week of able. it was a loooooooooooong day. class from 9a-5:15p. my group is clean-up crew in the gross anatomy lab this week, so we were stuck at school pretty late. i guess i don't have to say that it sucked. at any rate, we got our grades back for our first micro anatomy test. i made an 85. i was pretty happy with that - considering i studied for all of 7 hours (really for 12, but i goofed off a bit of that, i have to say)...

at this point, i have 3As and 2 Bs. i have three other classes in which i haven't had a test or quiz yet, so those grades are still undetermined. i haven't much else to say. i'm not ready to be back in class or studying. i want ables to last forever. why can't vet school be one giant able?

refreshing

today was a nice change of pace. i volunteered to give a lecture to boy scouts to help them get the "veterinary medicine" merit badge. today was the big merit badge jamboree or whatnot, so we met at school at 7 am (myself, deb (a 1st year with me) and kara and jaime (2 second year students) - wait i just lost track of my parentheses. anyway - we drove up to **insert local college here** and did a 5 hour presentation/demo/hands on learning experience for about 18 scouts and troop leaders. it was great. i had ceased to believe that any respectful and attentive and mannered children existed. i was starting to buy into the whole 'kids are getting worse and worse' mindset. but these kids were quiet, they were respectful, they were interested and attentive, and they wrote on our evaluations as "counselors" that they were interested in what we had to say and that they appreciated the time we took to come and teach them. these were kids from about 10 years old to 16 years old. it was very satisfying and a valuable reminder of the things that exist in vet med outside going to class and lab. my presentation was an hour of the allotted time and centered around anatomy of companion and farm animals. i did an "incredible" job. not my words. the words of my 2 fellow students and the troop leader. i'm trying to be modest here, but i am a great public speaker and i love to teach. i guess i know what i'll wind up doing once vet school is finished. it was really fun. we took my 3 legged cat as an animal for the kids to practice physical exams on as well as jaime's dog, dax. both were immaculately behaved and the kids loved using the stethoscopes, otoscopes, and ophthalmoscopes. i think we were a hit.

at any rate, i got home at about 5, so it's been a bit of a long day, since i got up at 6:15 - after going to bed at 2am. i also got to talk to my brother on IM today for about an hour, which was great. i haven't been able to talk to him in a while. i hear wedding bells in the near future - that's all i'm saying.

friends are coming over within the hour to watch a movie, and i need a shower. shalom.

today was a nice change of pace. i volunteered to give a lecture to boy scouts to help them get the "veterinary medicine" merit badge. today was the big merit badge jamboree or whatnot, so we met at school at 7 am (myself, deb (a 1st year with me) and kara and jaime (2 second year students) - wait i just lost track of my parentheses. anyway - we drove up to **insert local college here** and did a 5 hour presentation/demo/hands on learning experience for about 18 scouts and troop leaders. it was great. i had ceased to believe that any respectful and attentive and mannered children existed. i was starting to buy into the whole 'kids are getting worse and worse' mindset. but these kids were quiet, they were respectful, they were interested and attentive, and they wrote on our evaluations as "counselors" that they were interested in what we had to say and that they appreciated the time we took to come and teach them. these were kids from about 10 years old to 16 years old. it was very satisfying and a valuable reminder of the things that exist in vet med outside going to class and lab. my presentation was an hour of the allotted time and centered around anatomy of companion and farm animals. i did an "incredible" job. not my words. the words of my 2 fellow students and the troop leader. i'm trying to be modest here, but i am a great public speaker and i love to teach. i guess i know what i'll wind up doing once vet school is finished. it was really fun. we took my 3 legged cat as an animal for the kids to practice physical exams on as well as jaime's dog, dax. both were immaculately behaved and the kids loved using the stethoscopes, otoscopes, and opthalmoscopes. i think we were a hit.

at any rate, i got home at about 5, so it's been a bit of a long day, since i got up at 6:15 - after going to bed at 2am. i also got to talk to my brother on IM today for about an hour, which was great. i haven't been able to talk to him in a while. i hear wedding bells in the near future - that's all i'm saying.

friends are coming over within the hour to watch a movie, and i need a shower. shalom.